vivilee's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fighting the Darkness Just can't sleep and I've got a stomach ache. I've just been hanging on really. Kind of dragging myself through life. Feel so lonely. Feel like no one really cares anymore. I guess that means it's my own though patterns giving me the impression that others don't really give a shit. No really. If I died, the only people that would care that I did die are my family. Ivan wouldn't really care, and neither would his family. No one would miss me really. It's fucking true. What have I done for anybody? Maybe that's it. Maybe that's why I'm so miserable all the time. I don't do enough for others. Geesh that's the fastest I've ever come to a solution. Maybe I should just forget about trying to save money. See, we got some notebooks at work today that are quite beautiful but I feel so guilty for having one because they cost a lot even though there is a significant discount. I keep thinking about how that two thousand can make money rather than losing. Because when you buy things that depreciate in value.... Then again, if we were to sell it later, we wouldn't lose any money. I guess what I'm really mad about is the fact that Ivan can go out and buy things like this without any real thought about the future, about me, about a wedding or children or a house. And me? Well this job I have now is a blessing and yet, I'm still not happy. Why? Because I want to be a singer. The thing is, although I'm an okay singer, I'm not idol material. I know it's a terrible way to think but I know that's what some judge like Simon would probably say to me. I have a good look and I've got an okay voice but for me, because I'm not easily gifted like Kelly, I would have to try really hard to get anywhere with my voice. I wouldn't be able to take the rejection, the criticism, all that crap. So, I better be happy just singing karaoke because I think that's the best it's going to get. See, if it were meant to be, I'd have people left right and center encouraging me to pursue my dream. Just like that girl. Her friends actually got a fund started so that they could fly her to her audition. That's the kind of encouragement I would need to pursue my dream. People who love me enough and believe in me enough to do that for me. That's what I want. People to love me. To want to give me things, to encourage me to sing because they think I'm so very good. To make people feel goosebumps because they believe my voice is from heaven. That would be true freedom. To sing and make albums for your fans. That would be so wonderful. You know what though, in my heart I've always been so practical and in my heart I know God is watching over me. So many times it's been proven to me that God is with me. So this is all from God and I should be so fucking grateful for all that he's done for me. I love my life dammit. I will not let Satan or whatever evil force that's trying to bring me down. The darkness will lose. That's the secret to happiness. Fighting off the dark thoughts. Being grateful and thankful and loving. Communicating and being real. That's really sweet of Jimmy for actually thinking of me. He really is a friend. 5:17 a.m. - 2003-01-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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