vivilee's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- fuckme the way i write about my life could be a total lie because of my perspective. really, my life is a total disaster right now, i'm seriously just living in procrastination. there are so many wrong things going on...i don't have sex anymore, i have no desire, i am overweight and don't care about my looks anymore, i am severely depressed, i am severely in money debt and crisis and my business is failing and severely in debt. it's like everything but my health is in trouble. i'm surprised i haven't offed myself already. same goes for ivan. i don't know why he keeps hanging onto the store. he has severe sleep apnea, he's overweight, he's got no credit and he's severely in debt and will possibly never get out of it, he's a pollyanna who never faces reality. etc. etc. so that's my reality. and the reality that i face now, is probably one of the worst i have ever faced. my life just sucks so fucking bad right now. holy shit. so what am i doing to fix it? i have to take control of it somehow even though it feels so out of control. i'm applying for jobs actively, but it seems kind of futile because who knows how long i will stick with it. all i know is that i'm sick of the store. i can't stand being there. i can't wait to get out. it just seems so hopeless though. i just may get a job and i'll probably end up hating it just like i do everything. do i even love ivan anymore? do i love anything anymore? i'm thinking because i'm so unhappy that i can't think clearly. i'm looking at the world through depressed eyes. can't seem to see the bright side. and there's always a bright side isn't there? what can the bright side be of this situation i am facing right now? i am healthy. liloo is better now. ivan is somewhat healthy. i am actively searching for a job and i will eventually get a new job. i may end up loving wherever i decide to go and make good money and things will look up. i will declare bankruptcy and get rid of all the debt i am carrying and start over. i can't keep doing this to the people i love. it is up to me to change my life. it always has been. but why me? why did i end up having to be the one who saves the day. FUCK ME. 2:43 a.m. - 2010-03-11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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