vivilee's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- moonstruck I've seen two red-breasted robins who have clearly looked at me as if to tell me something. They have actually flown up quite close beside me. From the online sites about spirit animals...robins actually mean rebirth, renewal, and letting go of the past. These are good meanings--not really sure exactly how they apply to my life at this time other than the fact that it is quite literal. I am going through big changes. The store has officially closed. I have gone officially bankrupt. I have a job with Alpine Access as a customer service professional and we are contracted to Rogers Wireless. It should be interesting. The training itself is a month long. I'm hoping that I will enjoy it and that I will excel at the job. I don't want to hate it...I want to be able to move up with Alpine Access if I don't get into the nursing program at Nipissing University. I have options now. I can still attend the Library Technician program at Seneca starting this September. So, if I really hate the Alpine Access job...I have that to look forward to attending. Having options is having freedom. Having choices. Making decisions. I feel better these days. Healthier because the stress is gone. I did shop a little for myself but, not as much as I would have in the past. I have grown up. I realize now that being materialistic is a form of slavery. The last few days I've been fantasizing about sex with other men. I wish I were more sexually attracted to Ivan so that I could have my sexual urges appeased. The thing is, I can't really force myself to be attracted sexually to someone. I suppose I have to communicate this and talk about it so that we can work it out between us. It's so sad that we're not having sex. I must be bored or something. I think I'm so used to having some sort of drama that my brain needs more stimulation and therefore, it is trying to create diversion and distraction. These thoughts of infidelity have got to be because of loneliness and boredom. Well, at least here I can write it out. I don't actually have to go out and find a man to screw. Besides I would be too chicken to find a stranger. I like safe bets. For instance, Paul. I would do him in a second if he just came out and told me he wanted to fuck me. If he just said he was turned on my be and that he can't help fantasizing about what sex would be like between us. Seriously, that's all that men have to do with me. The fact that they admit to being sexually aroused is a big time turn on for me. Of course, I would have to be hot for them in return. The other guy I would so screw and make scream with orgasms is Sam. Following him would be Warren. I know these men are all taken but this is my fantasy world. I would have them all, one for every day of the week. I am also strangely attracted to Chris. I am also sexually turned on by Eddy. I know he is as well but the fact that he is Ivan's brother is disturbing and therefore, it is likely that will not be happening. I want to know what they smell like when they sweat and what they sound like when they come. I want to know what they feel like inside of me when they fuck me. I want to know what parts of their body they like me to touch. I want their tongues to explore every inch of me. I want them all to adore me for my body, the way I smell and look when they are making me orgasm over and over again. I miss being desired is what this means. I miss the excitement of sexual tension and the highs of being in a lusty relationship. It is likely that those feelings will not occur in my life again because I am in a mature relationship. I have to come to grips with this fact. Or perhaps I'm not meant to be in a relationship at all. Inside I'm a player who just wants to have short, lusty relationships with men and keep finding new ones to keep me sexually excited. Why don't women admit these kinds of feelings? The problem is, I may lust after many men but do they reciprocate? No, they don't because the ones that I am attracted are also too chicken to do anything. I wish Paul would just be more of a man and tell me straight out he wants to fuck me and that's it. Why can't he just say that. It would be so simple. We would do it and that would be all...I believe he cheats on his wife all the time so there is no chance in hell that relationship would ever develop and the fact that he has kids makes him just a fuckfest and nothing else. I can't believe how I'm thinking this way. That my brain can go there and think such things. But, I have to let myself express it or else it will build up and I'll do something else crazy. With Sam, he would probably get all emotionally attached. The fact that he's so young doesn't bother me, and I don't think it bothers him either. It would be like Ashton and Demi. If they can do it why can't I do the same? I know he was attracted to me but, he would never admit it first to me. He's just that way and a woman would have to pursue him to get him and I don't do that. Warren was attracted to me when he first met me. I know that and I felt it right to my bones. After 5 years of friendship with him and Jenny, it is now that I am thinking sexually about him. It is only because he is available and accessible. His schedule is the most convenient. He would be the easiest one to have an affair with. Plus, I am attracted to his physique. All evil aside and the fact that I am Jenny's friend...that would of course hinder any true chance of use hooking up. And Eddy is out of the question because it's gross. So, of this list of men in my life. Paul would be the best to hook up with...the rule would be just one time. But how do I make that happen? I won't because in the end it has to happen naturally and in a cute way. It would be so stupid otherwise. If god wants me to be with another man, than that man will appear in my life. He will be available. He will be sexually exciting and there would be no need to hurt anyone in the process. That's how it would happen for me because I am a good person. That man would pursue me regardless of the fact that I am with Ivan. He will tell me he lusts for me and that he wants me. He will tell me honestly with no pretense or game. He would be very forthcoming and not hide anything. Just like Nick Cage's character in Moonstruck. He was just so pure about his emotions. I have never experienced a man like that before. I don't even think they really exist. I want a man to say this to me: "Vivian, I love you. Not like they told you love is, and I didn't know this either, but love don't make things nice - it ruins everything. It breaks your heart. It makes things a mess. We aren't here to make things perfect. The snowflakes are perfect. The stars are perfect. Not us. Not us! We are here to ruin ourselves and to break our hearts and love the wrong people and *die*. The storybooks are *bullshit*. Now I want you to come upstairs with me and *get* in my bed!" That kind of love that makes a man crazy because he is so in love and lust and all encompassing passion. That he would make me feel it as well no matter how much I deny it. That's romance. Is there such love? Will I ever experience that kind of passion? Does it even exist? I don't even care if it doesn't last. I just want to know if it exists. 11:58 a.m. - 2011-05-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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