vivilee's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- pure faith It's been awhile since the last entry. This is because I've been on a kind of diary/journal/blog hiatus after a traumatic event that occured after someone read my online public blog on 20six. She read something that really pissed her and her boyfriend right off. They absolutely and totally hate my guts now because I wrote about how leechy they were being. I think they took it way too hard. Anyway, after that occured she called me and made me cry by bringing up all my shortcomings and everything I trusted her with in terms of things I told her about myself. She really gave it to me and tore me apart with her words. I even had a dream about her that she was a huge carnivorous bird/sasquatch creature that was devouring my flesh while her boyfriend watched in disinterest. That dream was a sign that she was a bad friend anyway so no loss to me. They are bad people. It is very difficult to find good friends. Sometimes, I wonder if they exist. Sometimes, I think Ivan and I are too "pure" for this world. When we make friends we do so much to make them feel comfortable. I suppose it's a petty way to think but really, there hasn't been anyone that has reciprocated equally...I hope that someday some true friends will come into our lives. I've also lately been really wanting some change to occur. When I met an old acquaintence at Walmart yesterday, all I could think about was how much I let myself go. Since the last time I saw him, I must've gained 20 pounds. My hair looks like something like a female hobo hairstyle. I wish that our lives would change dramatically with either some money or some miraculous luck so that we can afford to get married, get a nice house in a nice neighborhood, go to Europe and when we come back--we would be able to get a dog. I wish to win the lottery or something so that this dramatic turn of events could happen as fast as possible. I want to be better than everyone. I want to be fit and look fantastic. I want to be rich and successful and blissfully happy. I want 30 hamsters and miniature schnauzer or two. I want a clean, well-layed out house in a nice neighborhood, 2 reliable cars and to be really fit and healthy. I also want Ivan to be fit and healthy with me. I want us to get married. I want us to learn ballroom dancing. I want to be able to travel to Europe, Australia, New Zealand, China, South Korea, Japan, Taiwan, Hawaii, Las Vegas, New York, Chicago and anywhere we want to go at least business class. I want to go on a few cruises. I want to stay at luxurious 5 star hotels. I want all of this and I want it easily. I don't believe in working hard--it's bad for the health. I believe that it is possible to be rich without working like a dog. God gives you what you want and need and what you believe you want and need. If you have any negative doubt about your life, God gives you that...and the proof is in the outcome of many things in my life at this moment. My life will change dramatically if I believe completely and totally that it will change dramatically for the better. Everyday I need to look forward to the day as if something miraculous will happen. And if I go to sleep that day, I have to go to sleep knowing that perhaps something wonderful, fantastical and magical will happen the next day. That's what children believe and that's what youth is all about. That's the meaning of innocence--never letting go of that hope, that belief that something magical and wonderful and fantastic and great will happen at any moment of the day. If I can keep up the belief it will eventually manifest--guarenteed because those types of beliefs always do come true--the kind of belief that is so ingrained, so pure and so faithful to truth that it has to come true. Isn't that what faith is? Making the truth come true? I promise to myself from this day on that I will not falter from the belief that someday soon a miracle will occur and that both Ivan and I will have everything we ever dreamed possible and more. Dreams do come true. It doesn't come true for those who don't believe. They do come true to those who are pure, who know that it will come true to them. That's the cure to depression. Making yourself believe. 4:51 a.m. - 2004-03-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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