vivilee's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- same old story I've read the last two entries and it's still pretty much the same story. Struggling with weight, struggling with unhappiness and debt. It's been 3 weeks of a vegan diet and other than the less wax in my ears nothing else has really changed. I'm not gaining weight but I'm not losing. I am BLOATING like crazy. I am thirsty. Peeing, pooing much more. I feel more anxiety about my life in general. I'm up right now cuz I can't seem to sleep due to various anxieties. 1. I have to groom this stupid dog that I hate and I don't want to anymore but I'm wracked with guilt because I know that no one else will be able to groom him. If he has to be sedated I will not be able to live with myself. But, I hate grooming. I hate it so much. I hate the hair that flies around and gets into my skin pores, inside my lungs and makes me miserable. I hate grooming other people's dogs because most of them are misbehaved and spoiled due to owner stupidity. 2. The store is putting me more into debt. We are moving onto Hwy. 7 and I hope to dear God that we are successful because if it does not succeed--we're really screwed. I can't stand not knowing the future. I can't stand that we owe so much money. 3. I can't stand the way I look right now. I loathe the way my body feels. I also hate exercise and I can't understand why diet alone is not helping me lose weight and why my body is fighting to stay so goddamn fat. I had blood tests done and everything is normal. No thyroid issues. No PCOS. I am just so fucking fat. The thing is the solution to all this misery is to focus on the positive and stop worrying. But I have to empty these thoughts somewhere cuz God knows no one else wants to hear this shit. I'm having random fits of rage. The littlest thing will set it off. Like when a dog doesn't listen after 4 attempts to let me dry the other side of its body. I flipped out and yelled at the dog and pushed her into the corner with super rage strength so that I could dry the other side. I didn't care if the dog cried out in fear. That's when I knew I had to get out of grooming altogether, completely. 100%. I have to be free of grooming. That's a priority and I can't feel guilty about sending them off anymore. Even Boomer. God give me the strength to send these people away. God take care of them and let them find another groomer who loves their job. God let me happy. Let me be happy for once in my life. Let me make money for once in my life. Let me commit fully to something and succeed for once in my life. At least I'm still vegan. Now I just have to exercise. If the exercise doesn't work than I know something is wrong. I still can't stand my parents. Is that selfish and wrong? No, they tried to control my life with money. They tried to screw me over with money. They chose MONEY over me. Fuck them I hope they go to hell and I hope when they die I hope my sister takes it all and then goes to hell too. I am so full of anger because of that and until now I didn't write it out and admit it to myself. So, I am depressed. I just simply want to be happy but don't know how. Eckhart Tolle says to focus on the now. That is my NOW. I am focusing on it and I don't feel happy. What he really means is to focus on what's positive in the NOW but that's so delusional. I think to be sane you need to focus on both the positive and the negative. So what's positive? I've become vegan and for some reason it's really been quite easy and even though I am experiencing gastric distress I am still very committed. I attribute it to the book, "The China Study". The most important things about my life are good. Ivan and Liloo are my rocks. I just hope they stay healthy and alive for a long long time. I do hope I die a nice, painless death and selfishly, I hope I die before Ivan and Liloo because the pain of living through their deaths will be the worst kind. 4:09 a.m. - 2009-05-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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