vivilee's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Silver isn't so bad I've been busy learning php, mysql and apache with dreamweaver and last night I found a wonderful opensource and free ecommerce solution called oscommerce. It's absolutely amazing. It has everything you need to keep a site up and running smoothly. I felt like I won the lottery when I found the thing. Toshiba hasn't called me to say whether I got the job or not. I'm assuming I did not. I don't think it would take them this long to make a decision. If they decide on someone else no biggie. It really is their loss. She is really stupid not to recognize true talent and dedication. I suppose I sound bitter but it's true. I'm sick and tired of these stupid white people who don't sense when they've got a good candidate. Then again, that's not true. It's actually the immigrants who are weary of me for some reason, not the white people. In fact, the white people have treated me better than the immigrants, well no, that's not true either. White people are either really nice, or really nasty. There are no inbetweens. Here I am being racist. Eh, everybody is racist. Everybody has their own assumptions and prejudices based strictly on looks alone. Last night, I looked over some resumes Ivan brought home for the position of Computer Technician. He's hiring someone for that position at his workplace. They advertised the position in the local Chinese newspaper. All of the resumes had typos and grammar mistakes. Really sad. But, I guess they are willing to overlook the minor ones. One guy described in detail how he cooked vegetables and created delicate sauces along with his computer experience. It was a really funny resume. Another guy had a PHD. Most of them had MCSE certification. It's really sad how many... Only one guy looked promising. He had PC technician and networking certificate and he volunteers as a technician for a boys club. That means he likes being a technician. So, out of 30 or so resumes, there was only one candidate. It was kind of neat being at the hiring end of things. It gave me insight into my own resume. I've been doing things right. One guys said he 'quitted' his last position. HAHAHAHA. On another note, I had two strange dreams the night before. The first one was about a bleeding black heart that had flames shooting out of the back. That one woke me right up because it was freaky. The person I immediately thought of was my father. I thought it was a sign that my father had a heart attack or something so I *67 the phone and called him at the store and hung up right away when he answered. He sounded perfectly fine. The weird thing is he called me later that day and left a message on my cell phone. I haven't listened to the message yet because I'm scared that it's a horrible message. That dream was really disturbing to me because the heart looked so evil. It also looked like it had jumped out of my own chest. I have no idea what the dream means. Maybe it was some kind of evil spirit inside of me that finally left. Or acknowledgement of the guilt I'm feeling about not speaking to my parents and missing my father's birthday just to spite him. My father used to verbally and physically abuse me and my sister relentlessly. He used to hit my head because he knew that my hair would hide the bruises. He would call me stupid and worthless. He would say that men were only out to get one thing from me and that if I were to lose my virginity then I would be worthless. My mom said the same thing. There were a few times when he hit me hard enough to draw blood. Most of the time I got bruises and welts from various objects like umbrellas and golf clubs. I grew up a very insecure girl. My teachers in elementary school were too stupid to realize I was an abused child. I had a really sad childhood. My friends were nice though. When I was 9, I was molested by my uncle and two other men at different times. I knew about sex at a very early age. I was painfully shy and insecure all throughout highschool as well. The weird thing was that really good looking guys liked me but I was too shy to say anything back to reciprocate. I didn't understand why they liked me. I thought I was so ugly and dorky. Now that I look back at my pictures I realize that I had that fragile, waifish Winona Ryder thing going on. Big innocent eyes, reed thin, shy and reticent, asking for some prince to rescue me. There was Matthew, Dave and some other guy who was gorgeaus enough to be a model. I took the bus with him a few times. He was really weird and quite a loner but I could somewhat talk to him without feeling completely dorky. Dave was a star rugby player and absolutely hot. He looked like a norwegian god. Blonde and really hunky and muscular. With him I just couldn't fathom why he was talking to me. He just came up to me and started talking and we walked one time to the subway station. The whole time, I was thinking why is this guy talking to me. And then there was Matthew. I knew him since junior high and he blossomed into a gorgeaus blonde guy. He was really funny and talented. He actually made it into the film industry and acted in a few movies. One of them was called Eclipse. Apparently, he liked me ever since Junior high. He kissed me once when we played spin the bottle. Then another time, I ran into him in front of my house when he was bicycling and we talked. I was the one who encouraged him to audition for Claude Watson school for the arts. He did, and he got in of course. He did try a few other times to break the ice with me, to hang out with me and stuff but it just didn't work out. I was too stupid to know that he liked me. His friends were so different from mine because he was a drama major. So, I guess he finally gave up one day and ended up going out with Fleurette Fernando. What a name. She was a gorgeaus black girl who was quite popular. She never liked me. It never would have worked out with Matt and me, and by the time I was attracted to him it was too late. The guy used to stalk me! Matt was too different from me. He was outgoing, smart, popular and really charismatic and funny. I was the exact opposite. Didn't really do that well in highschool in terms of grades in the regular subjects especially math and chemistry. I did alright in Biology and English. I did very well in Music and Visual Arts. But I was never the best. Always second. Now that I look at it though, that was okay. It was my marks in the arts that got me on the honor roll once. In math, the only test that I passed was the geometry and trigonometry tests. I passed with flying colours. All the other tests I got around 50 percent. With me, it's like I'm semi-autistic. I'm really really good at a few things and horrible at math, chemistry and philosophy--anything somewhat logical. Then again, the things I'm good at, I could be much better. I could be amazing, number one for once, instead of number two. When have I ever been number one? When have I ever gotten first prize for something that really mattered to me. I don't recall. Maybe someday soon. And hey, getting silver is pretty damn good. 11:48 a.m. - 2002-11-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||