vivilee's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- transition A lot of things have changed... 1. I've lost a lot of weight, I'm down from 150 to 132--this was done through a primal diet--avoiding grains and processed, artificial, franken foods. 2. The store is really failing. We are having difficulty with all bills and rent. We even had our gas shut off for non-payment. In order to keep up with customer demand, we have had to buy small batches at full retail cost because we didn't have enough money to buy from the distributor. We don't want to lose the customer so we did what had to be done. 3. I now work at at a specialty grocery and I think the boss is enthralled with me and I don't quite know why seeing as he is married with children. He looks at me like he wants to devour me and it is very confusing to me. He singles me out and wants to have talks with me about my failing business. It makes me uncomfortable because I think it brings down morale. The special attention he gives me makes his employees gossip. It has only been almost 2 weeks of employment. I am very flattered by the attention but at the same time, I don't want my co-workers talking about me...it might make them hostile. I don't even know if he is conscious of how he appears to his employees. 3. The job itself is insanely labor intensive and incredibly busy. I wouldn't say it's stressful but it is certainly labor intensive. My hands are suffering. I often wonder why I am working so hard for so little since in comparison...dog grooming is the same amount of labor and, it pays double/triple the amount per hour. 4. I think I should quit the specialty grocery because of many reasons. I don't want him paying special attention to me and I certainly don't want my own attraction to him to become even stronger. I am very attracted to him. I know why...he is in the place I want to be and that is the sole reason for the attraction. Based on my history and pattern of male attraction...I suppose. I am attracted to his face and appearance as well...I could look at him all day long...it's so superficial and obsessive. All those things happen in my body when he's around--butterflies, that flutter in the stomach...I get clumsy. 5. I have to make a decision on whether to keep going with my own business. I'm in a sort of limbo right now. Not knowing where to go. 6. I love Ivan deeply and I always will. I just hope that he can find work that will fulfill him and make him successful. I don't know why he keeps beating a dead horse. Has the store become a dead horse? Do I really want to try and resurrect a dying horse? Isn't it better just to walk away? 7. Perhaps his fascination with me is like a Pygmalion complex? I have no idea...so very odd. I do think he is fascinated and he even admitted it...without exactly saying outright. He remembers the littlest things I've said...like he's playing little games? Is he trying to find what makes me tick? He won't find out what makes me tick because I don't even know. I am attracted to him but I'll NEVER do anything about it--he has a really nice wife and a really cute daughter. I would never forgive myself for being a homewrecker. It always takes 2 to tango. For 12 an hour I really don't think I need this drama. I gotta find something else to do--something I can stick with and makes more money. I would love to work from home, maybe doing telework like technical support but not sales. I will look for jobs like that...maybe work part time at Paul's place. I don't know. We'll see. Well, I suppose I am in a much better place mentally than I have been in previous entries. Perhaps that's why all these changes are occurring in my life. 12:18 a.m. - 2010-09-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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