vivilee's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- where is the fucking money Feeling a little stuck these days. As usual, not enough money for anything. Keep trying to change careers and keep getting fired. Am I complaining, yes. There's nothing wrong with complaining, it helps with expressing your true emotions. I can be truthful to myself. I don't have to feel guilty about complaining. I won't dwell on the issues here though. Because it turns into whining. I don't do well with corporate environments so why do I keep applying to those kinds of jobs. It's the lure of the steady pay cheque and the benefits. The thing is if I keep getting fired from the corporate jobs, then how is that stable. The only thing that has been stable is getting fired from job after job because I get so tired of the bullshit and I lose my patience completely and stop caring about what I'm doing. So, I have dog grooming. I can always get a job dog grooming. I was trying to become an artist but it's not happening fast enough nor is it making money. Keep trying this and that, and nothing is panning out. The only real stable "job" is dog grooming. So, I am kind of stuck with it because it's the highest paying job with the least amount of hours. I wish I could open my own dog grooming shop but again, you need money and then there is the issue of waiting for the clients to build up. Best bet is to buy a business and there is one for sale that I'm interested in but again, there's the money issue. And the fact that I'm not that thrilled with the job of dog grooming. It's exhausting. A job should not be so exhausting. I love dogs, but back when I was grooming and had the shop I got so burned out and started hating everything. I so scared that will happen again, so what will I do if that happens. So right now, I'm not happy. I'm feeling lost. I'm too lazy to get going on my artist career because of all the rejection that I'm going to have to face. I keep applying to stupid corporate jobs that I know I will hate. I'm in the wrong country. Just like that man from Thailand in the TED talks, I feel like him, why do we kill ourselves trying to make money for a house we can't afford and stuff we don't really need. How is that happiness. Why am I even here? The only thing that keeps me here in Canada, in this fucking place is Liloo. It's not even Ivan anymore. I could leave him if I really wanted to and start over somewhere else. Maybe that's what I need to do. Just leave this fucking goddamn place. Why is nothing working out for me????????? I'm still so fucking poor! Where is the fucking money?? Why do I have to work so fucking hard to make a few lousy bucks only to have it ALL go to fucking RENT, utilities and all this other fucking shit. I just don't want to work. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to trade my life for money. I just want to do whatever the fuck I want whenever I want and live freely without having to live for a pay cheque. That's what we do, we trade our life for money so we can "live". OMG. And that's the nail on the head for me. That's why I always feel out of it, and why I never fit in anywhere. I just can't do it, I can't keep trading my life for money because really that's the structure of this society and I can't accept it anymore. I don't want to live like that anymore. I'm just so fucking lazy. I need to get the hell out this place. The cost of living here is just too high. I just don't want to live like this anymore. Ivan accepts it, let him stay here. I don't want this anymore. I don't want to live in this townhome anymore. I just can't take it anymore. Maybe I'll go live with my sister. Ask her to help me out and just go. I'll take Liloo with me. It's not fair to Ivan and he's not going to support me anymore nor should I expect him to, love is not unconditional between a man and a woman. I don't even know what unconditional love is from a human being because I don't think it exists in a human being. I am clearly falling off the deep end now. All this time I was just on the ledge. But now, I'm letting it all go. I don't need to be here anymore. I don't need Ivan anymore. It's over. I'm so unhappy. I'm crying. I'm sad. I'm not depressed because that's just anger turned inwards. I'm sad. I'm truly sad. I just got rid of my facebook account. Everything was annoying me on it. Let's see how long I can go without it. 5:39 p.m. - 2014-07-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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