vivilee's Diaryland Diary

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what you make it

I have no idea why I am awake right now.

Lately, the feelings for Paul haven't been as intense but I still do get nervous around him. I don't think about him as much...I suppose the emotions are cooling down slightly.

I am still very attracted to him but, I have such difficulty being around him and acting normal that I don't really give myself a chance to advance any kind of interaction. Not that I want too. Of course, I want to. I want that man.

I just think of him and I get turned on. I like seeing him and when he's near me I get all tingly and giggly. I also get really clumsy. So stupid.

I don't know how much longer I can work there. I get the feeling that I have to leave soon.

His wife actually went to TUD I suppose to prevent Paul from going. I was kind of naiive in thinking she was just trying to be nice. She's trying to prevent something obviously. I know she'll find some way to fire me. It's only a matter of time.

I think Doris is in on it as well. I understand. I wouldn't want someone like me around him as well. Not that I would do anything. But, they don't know that.

If anything were to happen it would have to be instigated by Paul entirely. I really can't do anything as much as I like him it's so fucking forbidden and wrong that it's crazy insane and retarded to even think about stuff like this ever progressing to something real.

It could never happen.

I mean how could it? There's no way we could be alone together and even if we could it would only be in the daytime. I would have to be working in the warehouse end or I would have to work elsewhere where I could leave and see him.

And even if I were to have some kind of affair with him who's to say he won't be a big fat asshole about it and break my heart completely.

And why am I even contemplating such stupidity and masochism. How can I be so selfish and horrible. How can I want to destroy myself like that...I must really be bored or something.

Then again, what if he's a soul twin? What if he's the one?

Is there even such a thing? I know Ivan is my soul mate. However, apparently there are soul twins.

Life goes on and it really is what you make it. I can make this happen if I really want to I'm sure of it.

3:15 a.m. - 2010-11-13

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