vivilee's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- WTF am I supposed to do I seem to only write entries when I am feeling really depressed and fat. I also feel cold, my fat belly feels so big and distended and I just feel so disgusted with myself. I hate exercise and find that it makes things worse. I just get way too tired and hungry even if I just do yoga. I don't know what's wrong with me. I used to be able to eat anything and not gain weight. I used to just be able to take a walk and feel better. I just feel so disgusted with my life right now. I know all the stupid positive thinking books tell you to find something to feel grateful for and then focus and thanking the universe but it's all such fucking bullshit. It's true that people with low IQ's tend to be happier than people with higher IQ's. Perhaps that measurement is not for mental prowess. It's actually a measurement of how far you can go with misery and that actual smart people don't really exist. The thing is I'm not even that smart. When I was younger and more carefree and not caring about about facts, trivia and common sense, I was much, much happier. I just feel so angry and frustrated and there's a pain in my upper abdomen that's bugging me. I feel so FUCKING FAT. Neck is hurting now because I am trying to type on my lap. Everything is irritating me, everything is making me so miserable. I just wish I could just shut everything down so I could stop thinking about the misery that is my life. It just feels so hopeless. The business is not doing well. We're just not making money. Never have enough money. The stress is making me fat. I should just get a cardboard box ready to move into--if the business keeps going this way that's my future residence. I just don't see what I can I do now. I have no escape, no money, no looks, no nothing really. I just feel so disgusting and miserable. OMG. And FUCK YOU GOD. No matter how many times I pray you have never ever fucking answered my prayers. YOU let my business fail, you made my body get fat, you made my life this way. I HATE GOD. And who is GOD? It's fucking me! It's our projection of our higher being that we pray too, we pray that our higher conscience will pull us out of the depths. And obviously my higher being is broken and stupid. So what am I supposed to do now? The business model that we have is idiotic and can't succeed. We've tried for 4 fucking years! I am so sick and tired of doing this...I am so sick and tired of trying to educate morons who don't give a shit and don't think about what they are feeding their dogs. The business is failing! God help me. Please somebody help me, please. I just can't stand my life anymore. I don't know what to do now. 7:19 a.m. - 2010-03-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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