vivilee's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I chose to be fat and poor I think I'm a little depressed again. I've done a few nutritional changes like drinking greens in the morning plus taking omega 3's and paying more attention to diet. However, I feel fatter. It's getting me down, this weight thing. When I see pics of myself 10 years ago it further sends me into sadness. The thing is, I could do something like take up jogging or do more yoga but when I start doing yoga it feels like such a chore and boring and because of my tendency to over project my goals I feel like I'll never get to where I hope to be. I've got to learn to change my mind and think positive and more enthusiastically because this negative thinking is such a pain in the ass. All it does is make things worse and I hate myself more and more. I have not a clue why it is so hard for me to think on the bright side. I am addicted to negativity. I just can't stand a lot of things right now and I feel that I can't really complain to anybody about these feelings because who needs to hear it? I would hate hearing it from other people. I mean stop complaining already and do something about your life. So here's a list of what I can't stand and here's what I'm going to do about fixing the things I hate: 1. I hate dog grooming. It's a pattern, I usually end up hating the very thing that makes a living. Every job I've had in the past, I've ended up despising. Of course, it motivates me to try something new however, I get bored once I feel I have 'mastered' the career. I can't really get any better than where I am right now with dog grooming. I don't want to compete because I think it's expensive and stressful. I feel bad because this business had taken a life of its own and the people who have come to rely on me to groom their dogs will have to find someone else to groom their dogs. If the business sells which is what I want then the whole family atmosphere will change. Why do I want to sell the business? Because I want a break. I am so needing of a break and I want to take a breather with some money in the bank. I hate being in debt up to my eyeballs. I've spent my entire life being in debt. So there, the two very reasons why I am so unhappy. I am fat and I am poor. The fat thing can be changed pretty easily. It just means eating healthy and exercising more. It's easy when I feel mentally motivated but right now I'm kinda depressed so it's difficult. Being poor sucks. I wonder what it's like having money, so much money rolling in that you don't know what to do with it all? I'd love to feel that. I did have that feeling at one point in my life when I worked as a graphic designer at IP Marketing. Now that I look back, that was a good gig even though I was so unappreciative and spoiled about the whole job. If I knew then what I knew now, I would have been much more nurturing about that job. I made really good money and for that time, it felt really good to be able to buy whatever I wanted. To decorate and furnish the apartment and to feel so happy about the accomplishments and to know that I had plenty more coming along. I want that feeling again so bad. And I want to feel thin again. I want to feel attractive and beautiful and to take my own breath away when I look in the mirror because I'm so proud of my transformation. All those books on self development state that you must believe that the successful outcome has already manifested in order to achieve whatever goal it is you want. To be honest, that's complete bullshit. It's bullshitting to lie to yourself that you're a millionaire already. I mean come on, how can you honestly fool yourself into beleiving that you are millionaire already? A reasonably smart person who is somewhat logical simply cannot think in this manner. I think logic makes people poor. I think logic is the ultimate pessimism. Things happen everyday that cannot be explained in a logical way. I'd rather be a fun person. I choose to be a fun person. I just want to laugh and feel good most of the time. OK, so I'm poor. So I'm in massive debt. So the fuck what. What's going to happen. Nothing. I'll still be in debt until the goddamn store makes more money. And I'm not going to compromise more time or do more dog grooming to make more money because that will kill me for sure. Either by suicide or by heart attack. So the store will stay exactly the way it is and people are happy with it anyway. It seems as if it's getting to be a hang out. I'd love to do a lounge of some sort and provide a place for people and their dogs but Ivan thinks it won't fly. Ivan always thinks things won't fly. He's always kept me from flying. But it requires a lot of work to make a lounge, more money more debt, more rent. So I'm not going to think about it anymore. I'm sick and tired of being unsatisfied. It's better to just accept things the way they are and just be. A journey of a thousand miles begins with just one step. It's so cliche but it's so true. 4:40 a.m. - 2008-09-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||