vivilee's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Shielding myself from the anorexic, the bitch and the dogfaces I assist. Just started this new diary. I hope I'm able to keep it up to date. Been having trouble at work. Was inspired by another diary to create a protective shield log. A protective shield is something I've been using for awhile to protect myself from negative psychic energy. I think it works well. P> I use it whenever I sit down right after someone else gets up from their seat on the bus or subway to ensure that I don't absorb any of their negative psychic energy. However, I haven't been using this shield for work or for other circumstances. Now I know I need to do this to make sure I remain protected from the negative energy and harmful comments of others. There are a lot of issues I have at work. In particular, Raj, (the woman I assist--the one I call 'bitch' from now on), treats me like her minion and I don't appreciate it, she makes me feel so insecure, stupid, insignificant and slow. Another woman, her name is Christiane, is trying to get me to pay these stupid bills. I hate bill paying and dealing with people who want their money. It stresses me out because I get nervous when it comes to data entry and numbers and calculations. Their system is so archaic and stupid. I handle my own finances with Quicken--a great automated visual accounting system. Christiane made me feel really bad when she wrote a long email about how we were handling the bill payments. She complimented the two other girls, but for me she wrote that I was not as well trained and so therefore, I made more mistakes and was slower than the others. That made me feel bad because it felt like she was trying to make it some kind of competition. She made it known that I was slower and mistake-prone. I got upset because she singled me out. Christiane is fat and she looks like a white trash government worker. She is obviously unhappy with herself. Also, I think she resents that I don't like to pay bills and that I complained about it to the manager because there was a backlog going back to May, (I was hired in late August). She also writes extremely long emails. Isn't it nice that she has the time to write these essays but she doesn't have the time to pay the damn bills. The finance department in general is one big trailer park joke--it's like a big stereotype come to life. They all smoke like fiends--taking breaks all the time, talk crass, loud and dress unprofessionally. Raj the bitch is just a big anal diva wannabe. All she does is nitpick my every mistake and make a big deal out of nothing. So I heard "dawson" instead of "dauphin". Now, I know to ask the EE to spell out their city location. You don't have to make me feel like a heel by telling me that I watch too much t.v. I hate Dawson Creek. So I made her look stupid. That's what she is because she will never get ahead if she treats me that way, I'll just tell and make her life miserable. I work for a bitch and an anorexic. At least the anorexic is a bit more understanding. Except for the fact that her husband calls 10 times a day. She gets upset when I don't answer her fucking calls. Why should I, they're all from her fucking husband. The anorexic also monitors my internet surfing. One time, I updated my Windows off the Windows website to keep my files up to date. She freaked out and told me not to do that because she thought I was downloading software. I was updating Windows. The irony is, the anorexic is considered to be the computer maven at our office. I know so much more shit than her it's not funny. She's just a big fake. But I don't say anything. I know she already feels threatened by me anyway. The only thing I can do is complete my work for the anorexic, the bitch and the dogfaces and get promoted as fast as I can. At least I love my manager. She's so understanding and professional although she has some trouble with keeping her backbone intact. At least I get along with my other coworkers. Just not the ones I work with directly. Ah well. Just had to vent. To let it all out because I although I was thinking all of these mean thoughts subconciously, I wasn't letting them surface. I need to let them surface, to acknowledge and then forgive myself because if I don't, I will end up exploding. I must embrace my dark side. I am an extremely tolerant person and that makes me look weak and insecure because I listen to them go on and on about their superficial problems because no one else can stand them enough to listen to their crap. And then they complain that I don't finish my work on time...it's because I've stood around listening to their worthless problems all fucking day. Thank god I can write this all out here. Unloading on an actual human being is just too much. I visualize a brilliant, amazing, incredible shield that's invincible to any kind of negative energy from anybody. I am protected from them. I am detached from them and their criticisms of me. I refuse to compete. The only person I need to please is me. I'm doing more than well for someone who has had absolutely no experience in these kinds of tasks. I just need to be satisfactory--not superior, not perfect, not anal, not stressed. Be satisfactory and I will be just fine. 10:56 p.m. - 2002-10-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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